parentsThis is an open post because most of you who have read my blogs know some of this stuff already ..... but feeling it's time that our lovely granddaughter lauralew knew a little bit more about me ..... her Auntie Granny.
My father spoiled me rotten. Most of you know I'm not only adopted, but an only child. There was not too much growing up that I ever wanted for. Being the apple of my daddy's eyes he found it very hard to think that I could do wrong. But I could. And I did.
I grew up fairly innocent and naive. My mother never had the "talk" with me. Until I actually had sex at the age of 15 .... I really wasn't too sure how it was done. Although I had been sexually active (1st base .... 2nd base) before 15 I had never done the deed till then.
Free clinics were all the rage in those days and I had my first pap there. Received birth control pills and screwed ..... a lot. I had the same boyfriend through most of high school .... it wasn't until we broke up that I started getting a bit crazier sexually and not caring to much with whom. This would of broken my fathers heart. For sure.
I spent a lot of time ditching school. And ended up on the "10 most wanted" list. I remember the day I was called into my counselor's office to find my mom sitting in a chair with tears running down her eyes and a stack of notes with the word "FORGED" in big red letters across the front of them. She never told my father .... afraid of how he would react. She never told him of the alcohol .... cigarettes .... and birth control pills she had found while rummaging through my room. She protected him from most everything I did wrong. At the time I didn't realize what kind of a strain that must have been on her. I dated a "Mexican" .... and my dad never ever excepted that. My mom went with the flow. A divorce between the two of them was almost caused due to my relationship with this boy. But they did not divorce .... for which I am thankful .... at time I don't think I cared. Not sure.
I lied non-stop as a teenager / young adult to my parents. The list of things I have done that I am forever ashamed for goes on forever ....
Being bailed out of jail on multiple drug charges was one of my more finer moments. This crushed both my parents. But now they understood why their daughter only weighed 89 lbs. Cocaine addiction was something I know they were not prepared to deal with. And honestly feel that they both (mom and dad) just put that whole incident in the darkest deepest place in their minds. It was never discussed. Instead I would call them in need of money .... after all this .... using some excuse .... and spend every dime on drugs. And they never questioned it. Not once. Great enablers. As I said ..... in dad's eyes ..... I did no wrong.
Selling off their antique furniture was another fine moment in time. Gifted to me when I moved out I prized this furniture ..... then the addiction ..... then no furniture. Explain that one.
The amount of money I have taken from them is in gross amounts .... and in no way would I ever be able to pay it back .... not in whats left of my lifetime.
A pregnancy and an abortion .... something I never ever shared with them. Believe me ..... this would of killed them both ..... it makes me almost throw up today. Thank God they never knew.
Holy shit ..... if I try to go on .... I'll be here for days ..... but the point of this post is this .....
Growing up can be challenging at best. Growing up in today's world can not be easy and I am not envious of children / young adults in the least. Coming from a much simpler time .... and dealing with the changes of the time as I did .... to deal with the crap of today's world ..... no thank you.
We all do things that will follow us forever .... haunt us .... maybe somethings trivial .... others not so trivial .... but we have to learn and hopefully grow ..... analyze and know why we won't let that happen again. A recognition of a wrong doing and taking responsibility for that wrong doing is a major step in living with it and letting it go. Letting it go. Easier said than done. Let it go.
The amazing thing about moms and dads is that the majority love their children without condition .... they will survive their children's wrong doings. They will want the best for them and will want them to be happy ..... bottom line. That is what makes them happy.
And sometimes we can realize things at a much younger age than I did for sure and know that we have a lifetime ahead of us to make things right. And then set out to do so. I'm not smart like that ..... so unfortunately for me ..... the ability to say "I'm sorry" and "thank you" .... have passed at least for my dad ..... and I still have not said those words to my mom .... but I will .... hopefully before its too late.
OK .... this was a very unorganized ramble that went all over the place ..... but the intent was good .... and I hope this does not change how you (laura) look at me. There is more and someday if you feel the need to know things I have no problem sharing .... my life is an open book.
Peace. J. (Auntie Granny)
My father spoiled me rotten. Most of you know I'm not only adopted, but an only child. There was not too much growing up that I ever wanted for. Being the apple of my daddy's eyes he found it very hard to think that I could do wrong. But I could. And I did.
I grew up fairly innocent and naive. My mother never had the "talk" with me. Until I actually had sex at the age of 15 .... I really wasn't too sure how it was done. Although I had been sexually active (1st base .... 2nd base) before 15 I had never done the deed till then.
Free clinics were all the rage in those days and I had my first pap there. Received birth control pills and screwed ..... a lot. I had the same boyfriend through most of high school .... it wasn't until we broke up that I started getting a bit crazier sexually and not caring to much with whom. This would of broken my fathers heart. For sure.
I spent a lot of time ditching school. And ended up on the "10 most wanted" list. I remember the day I was called into my counselor's office to find my mom sitting in a chair with tears running down her eyes and a stack of notes with the word "FORGED" in big red letters across the front of them. She never told my father .... afraid of how he would react. She never told him of the alcohol .... cigarettes .... and birth control pills she had found while rummaging through my room. She protected him from most everything I did wrong. At the time I didn't realize what kind of a strain that must have been on her. I dated a "Mexican" .... and my dad never ever excepted that. My mom went with the flow. A divorce between the two of them was almost caused due to my relationship with this boy. But they did not divorce .... for which I am thankful .... at time I don't think I cared. Not sure.
I lied non-stop as a teenager / young adult to my parents. The list of things I have done that I am forever ashamed for goes on forever ....
Being bailed out of jail on multiple drug charges was one of my more finer moments. This crushed both my parents. But now they understood why their daughter only weighed 89 lbs. Cocaine addiction was something I know they were not prepared to deal with. And honestly feel that they both (mom and dad) just put that whole incident in the darkest deepest place in their minds. It was never discussed. Instead I would call them in need of money .... after all this .... using some excuse .... and spend every dime on drugs. And they never questioned it. Not once. Great enablers. As I said ..... in dad's eyes ..... I did no wrong.
Selling off their antique furniture was another fine moment in time. Gifted to me when I moved out I prized this furniture ..... then the addiction ..... then no furniture. Explain that one.
The amount of money I have taken from them is in gross amounts .... and in no way would I ever be able to pay it back .... not in whats left of my lifetime.
A pregnancy and an abortion .... something I never ever shared with them. Believe me ..... this would of killed them both ..... it makes me almost throw up today. Thank God they never knew.
Holy shit ..... if I try to go on .... I'll be here for days ..... but the point of this post is this .....
Growing up can be challenging at best. Growing up in today's world can not be easy and I am not envious of children / young adults in the least. Coming from a much simpler time .... and dealing with the changes of the time as I did .... to deal with the crap of today's world ..... no thank you.
We all do things that will follow us forever .... haunt us .... maybe somethings trivial .... others not so trivial .... but we have to learn and hopefully grow ..... analyze and know why we won't let that happen again. A recognition of a wrong doing and taking responsibility for that wrong doing is a major step in living with it and letting it go. Letting it go. Easier said than done. Let it go.
The amazing thing about moms and dads is that the majority love their children without condition .... they will survive their children's wrong doings. They will want the best for them and will want them to be happy ..... bottom line. That is what makes them happy.
And sometimes we can realize things at a much younger age than I did for sure and know that we have a lifetime ahead of us to make things right. And then set out to do so. I'm not smart like that ..... so unfortunately for me ..... the ability to say "I'm sorry" and "thank you" .... have passed at least for my dad ..... and I still have not said those words to my mom .... but I will .... hopefully before its too late.
OK .... this was a very unorganized ramble that went all over the place ..... but the intent was good .... and I hope this does not change how you (laura) look at me. There is more and someday if you feel the need to know things I have no problem sharing .... my life is an open book.
Peace. J. (Auntie Granny)
