This is coming with a warning today ..... some of this things in this list may shock and / or offend.  I am feeling a need to cleanse and this is as good a spot as any.  Some things some of you may already know .... alot of this list I've never spoken about.  These truth's are what they are and have pretty much made me the person / emotional mess / depressed individual I am today . I've really never been one to hide facts about myself .... I've always been an open book.  Take me or leave me ..... I am who I am.

1.  I'm adopted.  I was raised an only child.  I have found my birth mother and three of the four siblings.  I have two half sisters and two half brothers.  I was the only one adopted out.

2.  I was molested between the ages of 4-7 by my babysitters teenaged son.  I never told anyone this until 2003 when I was admitted into a Behavioral Health hospital unit after a suicide attempt.  Still have not told my mom.

3.  I went to trade school in 75-76 for a new trade in most industries ..... keypunch / data entry.  Was taught on an old 80 column card machine that took up half a room.  Was one of the first people to experience the key to disk phenomenom.  Sent by Kenwood Electronics in 1977 to New York to set up their Data Processing department and train personel.  The new thing then was transmitting data through the phones lines with a modem to our main office in So. Calif.  Boy .... if we only knew then what was to come ..... !

4.  While in New York I was raped by my immediate supervisor who had flown over with me.  Upon return to Calif. and requesting a meeting with the President of the company and telling all ..... I was fired.  I went to work for a competitor Sanyo and after three months was lured back to Kenwood with a raise and other benefits.  I had the same supervisor who I regretfully ended up having an affair with for a year.  Don't ask ..... I didn't want to lose my job again.  I should of never gone back.

5.  I started smoking pot when I was 18.  So have been using now for approximately 31 years.  I was arrested in 1980 for felony drug possession and sales.  I was busted with pot, hash and cocaine.  I was sent directly to rehab for cocaine addiction.  I've done coke twice since then and it's been over 20 years now.  I weighed 89 pounds at the time of my arrest.  And I thought I was looking good .....

6.  I have been married three times .  I married my first husband after knowing him for two weeks.  I left him two weeks later after things got a little strange and through overhearing phones calls and asking him up front I found out that his profession was hired assassin.  This was a cause of great fear for me ..... also worrying about my family .... for a few years to come.  Thankfully he dissapeared .... and hopefully never thinks about me again. Hey Jen .... it's the above story that has to do with the dream I told you about.  My second marriage was about as dumb as the first.  Rebounding hard and needing to get somewhere other than where I was ...  I married my second husband about as quickly as the first.  We moved to Reno where he proceed to bilk thousands of dollars from unsuspecting people.  I thought he and his friend had a legitimate computer business going until a year later when I realized what he had been doing.  Selling non-existing stock for a non-existing company.  He had also had an affair which had gotten his mistress pregnant.  I left him immediately and ran for home.  Dave is my third and final.  We were together 4+ years before we married.  And so far things seem ok!  Nothing hidden in his closet ..... thank god.  After doing the math I figure we've been together now for 22 years.

7.  I've had an abortion.  I was 19 at the time and dating two different men.  Sleeping with both.  Never used protection.  Had no idea whose baby it was and neither men wanted anything to do with it or me anymore.  I would have to say that this is my first real bout with depression.  At least one I can recongnize now as depression.

8.  A list of the many jobs I've had:

a.  Data entry operator / computer operator
b.  Dishwasher
c.  Housekeeper
d.  Receptionist
e.  Deli clerk
f.   Grocery clerk
g.  Postmaster
h.  Bookeeper
i.   Retail sales
j.   Innkeeper
k.  Waitress
l.   Bartender
m. Barrista
o.  Snowmobile instructor
p.  Personal secretary
q.  State Park entry kiosk person
r.  21 Dealer in Reno
s.  Ski school ticket sales person
t.  Backstage catering for a rock n roll production company

Thinking that about covers it.  That's enough don't you think?

9.  The 7 years I've lived here in this house is the longest I've lived in any one dwelling since I moved out of my parents house at the age of 18.  I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've moved.  Just take my word for it ..... it's been alot.

10.  I have been in a physically abusive and emotionally abusive relationship (long before Dave).  My nose has been broken and my ribs cracked.  I've been beaten with fists as well as chairs and other items.  During my coke days.

11.  I sold thousands of dollars worth of my parents antiques to support my coke habit.  How dumb I was.

12.  My biggest fear is dying alone.  I see myself as a bag lady pushing around a shopping cart .... living under a bridge without all my mental facilites.  It scares the hell out of me.

Thats enough for now.  I needed to do this.  If you actually took the time to read this .... thanks.  And I hope your opinion of me does not change. 

Have a peaceful day all .....

Peace.  J.