In two weeks I'll be turning 49.

Every time I think about it I cringe.  Not so much at the thought of 49 ... but what comes after it.  My stomach flops.  My heart starts to pound.  I'm so not ready for this ....

I remember when I thought 50 was soooo old.  I don't feel old - damn it.  I'm looking older for sure.  Hair is getting silver.  Wrinkles are showing up in my face.  This can't be happening ....

Your as old as you feel.  I feel like I want to do this all over.  I want to make different choices.  I want some of my old friends back to help me through this.  I can't do it alone .....

Menopause.  Crying all the time.  Doubting myself.  Forgetfullness.  Fear of what's ahead.  Is the second half of life truly better?  Nothing to look forward to.  Except being alone  .... 

This really isn't happening is it  ..... ?  NO NO NO  No  no  no no no  .....