I am having a very dark day ..... not sure where this post will go .... so please if you are not comfortable with the pit called depression ..... stay away from this blog.  Find a happier place to be today ..... k? 

The facts are as follows:

I can't seem to hold a job here in this hell I call home.  I'm finding I really don't "fit in" anywhere.

I am crying every few minutes.  I can't control it at this point.

I have no self-esteem or self-confindence that I will need to find another job. 

I don't want to leave my room.

I'm quitting my bar job today because I can not hold up my head with any pride anymore.  I don't want to be seen in public.

I can't satisfy my husband sexually because I don't want to be touched.  I don't blame him if he leaves.  He does not deserve this in any way shape or form.  He's to good of a man.

The thread I'm hanging by is stretching.  Almost to the breaking point.

I've lost my ability to care .... about anything.  Especially me.

I need help that I can't afford to get.  I need med's that I can't afford to take.

As hard as I fight it .... the darkness always wins.

I have no friends to talk to.  I've pushed any and all away a long time ago.

I feel very alone and very scared.

Scenario's keep running through my brain.  The brain tv won't shut down.

I dreamed Dave was seeing someone else last night.  I woke up with her first and last name in my head. And then it was gone.  I was actually going to check the phone book and see if this was a real person.  As I said ... I don't blame him if he leaves.  I'm not much fun anymore.

I'm feeling very sick to my stomach.  Seriously don't know how much more of this I can take.  I want to puke.